August 2021

Society’s expectations on me & why I must avoid some

We live in other’s expectations on us, and it’s not always bad. But to fail to defy some of such expectations and have a mindset with what they expect each of us to do or become is not good.

Each time when one of my sisters (I don’t like to use cousin it’s a Western terminology against strict family ties) calls, she must ask about her ‘makoti’ or if I have one already not to keep her in that status but to marry her and have kids, while her knees get a darker and a skin that is as thick as a hide through kneeling in front of me when delivering food (read this one, external source), begging something and doing her chores like cleaning the floor. Borrowed from Zulu where it is the term for bride makoti is a nurse in Shona, my first language. One expected to be a woman with qualities like that what Malan from that Disney movie, Malan, was expected to have and still defied it (polite, quiet, composed, graceful, elegant, poised but hardworking and submitting).

The gravity of my situation is a man flying towards his twenty-sixth birthday without any girlfriend introduced to her sisters just once. It’s the last thing expected in my culture. Sisters must know any of my affairs and I haven’t been in one since 2019, or since 2016 when I last introduced them to a girlfriend. But I am in my most crucial time, and attending a girl who must become a wife like yesterday, especially a submitting kind (instead of an equal who can have a vision and ideas) is the last thing to do. Busy, as I will be until thirty-five, I barely answer a phone ringing on the same table where I type my work. I have a vision to build and a vision to attend.

At the core of my personal belief about success stories fabricated from where it was close to impossible is “doing things they did or you have done in a way they never imagined”. Raised in a farming village where farming never meant anything, new ways to achieve that are all that I have to achieve one day, including my own vertical farming system “Bier”. Bier is my own expectation, can it be achieved by following some others’ expectations and expectations in a thinking system and a culture?

I am not here to defend my attitude but when heading for self-made success you must be aware that we are trapped in cycles. Thinking cycles, outcome cycles, etc. The difference is made by breaking the cycles and shooting up in a straight line.

Following others’ expectations may ruin even your happiness. Someone had the best wedding at the cathedral, and the Bishop said he had never heard of such a wedding in his history of hearing about weddings while four big magazines and newspapers wrote acclaiming it. But seven years down the line things were not working fine, and since marriage is not really love, a divorce was fair enough.

“What people will say?” Such a simple question stopped what was necessary from happening, and still failed to heal the situation and prolonged what was broken. The thing is when you allow the tune of your life to play in their expectations you can only be afraid about what people will say about it if you don’t stay in what’s expected by them.

It is an amazing thing to find a purpose but also not allowing the purpose to find you. Don’t ever let their expectations to find you. Find your own.

Why you do it is the maker of how you do it. Very often as an adult you are expected to fit in the society’s “how they do it”; a crime-free life, or anything that is a choice of many. A crime filled with life is bad, but going past twenty-six without marriage is not necessarily. I am expected not to be a criminal and it’s a good thing to live in that expectation. But because there is a reason now I can avoid what they expect as far as my marital status is concerned.

Society can punish you for going against expectations. A BBC report in 2019 had it that, in Nigeria, people with dreadlocks are regarded as miscreants. It’s when, among other reasons, formal teachings, home and teachings from some religious circles are in a full-swing attack against dreadlocks; the only shape African hair can have without so much effort. Our colonial masters detested dreadlocks especially when they linked with traditional religions, and there is a continuation.

Among people expecting me to be in this shape instead of that are helpers in society, my family and friends. I would have received so much help to get a job if I had graduated and throw that cap in the air boastful of my distinctions behind. That $300 to get a driver’s licence, an expensive emergency passport to cross into South Africa where I can probably find a job, nice suits to enter job interviews with, all funded by either loans in the helper’s name or sacrifices. But I dropped out in the final semester to avoid a job and work on founding the village’s first company. And helpers disappeared.

Greatness is having your own in everything. Your own expectations then choices among other expectations are welcome. And when you are finally alone, suffering because you have decided to go for this and not the expected allow it to be lone showtime.

Ambition and desire. What you must know about these two makers of success?

‘Bambino! Ambition is a strong desire,’ that’s what my grandfather told me, breaking down the word in my mother tongue but Bambino alone (I really hated being a Bambino, as it was a strange thing to be). I was only 8 when I asked him what ambition is, and that was after I had read a book with short success stories. I still remember again the story in which I probably found this word for the first time, and I was struggling to read it. (Grandfather’s hints were powerful and I loved to read in his presence.) It was about an African lady (she played a sales-girl part in this James Bond movie) who co-ended up with a cosmetic company, Kubi. Patience played a big part in her journey. I can’t remember the story well and how she started but I have a lot of my childhood memories to share with someone if only I’m asked to.

Before you get what you desire, give what you want to result in what you desire what it desires to finally result in what you desire.

SubjectMe (Personal Diary)

As a noun, desire can cover usages that are reserved for ambition. It seems, however, that among the two, an ambition can contain a lot of desires. But there are slight differences between an ambition and a desire in that while both are the longing for, the need to get or to do and get over it in the way expected within ambition moves you while desire get you to move towards it or towards what you desire.

Desire as in the book Odyssey

If you desire something, there is a hundred per cent chance that you are not fulfilled. “Are you fulfilled or not?” That may be the question irrationally asked by your heart or that irrational mind. If not fulfilled you move towards what you desire. Desire is all rational. And this is how desire was used in Odyssey [Samuel Butler translation], one of the oldest books in history:

…while Autolycus desired his sons to get dinner ready.

Odyssey

May heaven grant you in all things your heart’s desire.

Odyssey: Ulysses talking to Nausicaa

I am sure he’s an excellent person, and I hope Jove will grant him his heart’s desire.

Odyssey: Aegyptius addressing men of Ithaca

She will be frightened, and will desire you to go to bed with her…

Odyssey: Book X, Aeolus, The Laestrygones Circe

May king Jove grant all happiness to Telemachus, and fulfil the desire of his heart.

Ulysses to Eumaeus

A desire is a special want to the heart, created by the heart, it is a passion, including for sex, and it is a wish. So you feel the desire. You have to achieve to be fulfilled. You have to get to be satisfied. When you are with a desire you are desiring you get to want something done or in your hands because you are by feeling not satisfied without it. Your emotions are in, too. And before you can get what you desire that desire is only a wish.

My ambition was a ‘donated’ one

Sadly, my grandfather died last year, 17 December (that aside), and I wrote this post weeping. He made a fellow I am today and, concisely, he was once my mom and my dad. He induced some ambition in me. A chemist-observer would say he ‘donated’ that ambition as if some fragments of ambition were patched into my little self.

Have you ever cherished something because someone pushes (mine was a soft-push) you to do so, directly or indirectly? My grandfather urged on me, I can say. He induced that ambition in me.

Every month it had became a norm, ‘I can’t buy you something special if you haven’t managed to achieve this …and this’. Life coaches encourage good friends around one because where this can all end is not only ideas shared but ambition. The donors of such ambition should stay to keep donating it.

Ambition as mindful desire

A desire is about satisfying the heart after it questions the status of your satisfaction and you admitting that you are not satisfied. An ambition brings rationality in, to transition any desires existing into mindful ones. You build an ambition through what you want (desire), how you want it (planning and expectations), the best means available to you to get it (your resources). But building an ambition, which is a process, is nothing at all if there is no next stage after the building process. The building process is like a dream, it won’t mean anything if the dreamer doesn’t get out of bed and work according to the dreams of the past night.

There are negative ambitions, too. Pitful ambition. Shallow ambitions. Because ambitions are simply built out of any foundation, negative or positive.

Ambition; Energy and goals.

But he has no ambition and no energy. He will not even go out of his way to verify his own solution, and would rather be considered wrong than take the trouble to prove himself right

Arthur Conan Doyle, Adventure IX, The Greek Interpreter

But he has no ambition and no energy; that is some serious detective talk there. The usage of energy and ambition in one line makes it fair to conclude that ambition needs to be that type of energy with its own goals, not a single goal. You can’t just strive for something you are not yet done registering it as a goal. An aggregate of goals together and a lot of energy powering them behind with an intention to achieve a single destination makes a healthy ambition moving you through a lot of desires towards what you want to achieve.

Goals need energy to be accomplished. The fusion is what ambition contains.

The energy in an ambition is that type of energy that can come and disappear at any time, and goals can exist without it. The uselessness of both when the one is missing and the other is calling for the presence of the other surely stands. A goal can never get addressed perfectly without some inner energy. Similarly, energy without any strategic goals can lead one into a disastrous fate.

Ambition is definitely something quite disputed but it’s never everything. Many agents are needed for one to be successful one day. It all depends on the type of success, the scale of success you may want to achieve and where you want to achieve it. Is it leadership or just loving the human race?

Read also: Stand on your feet hopeful like a bull against situations.

Ambition can be on achieving negative destinations. A destination is just a name.

Ambition

Have you noticed the relationship? The energy makes you reach the destination. It makes you move. But how can you move blindfolded, without the goals, you will never reach the destination. On the same note, given the direction, you will never go anywhere without moves.

Why ambition shoud include energy?

English borrowed ambition from Latin between the 14th century and the 16th centuries. The unsettledness of politicians in Ancient Rome when persuading the city to vote for them was unmatched and that was ambitio.