How To

How to avoid toxic words and win a tension-free relationship

I have been with avoiding toxic words before they create tension for months before August 2021. Then I tuned in to the radio on the 18th of August 2021. There a presenter gave a situation and and question for listeners to answer. Your partner breaks your phone when it’s needed the most; when the biggest deal is about to happen through it. You are in any public space filled with professionals. You shout at him/her.

One stranger who is to your partner is of an opposite sex steps in and gives straight cash and your partner takes it. The stranger says clean words before departure and toss a business card to your partner: “In case it’s not enough I can help.”

All this appear as if the stranger has just said to your partner buy this noisemaker the lost toy. What can be your response?

  1. When things go wrong think first before you may correct them.

Between when things go wrong and when you intervene is usually a small window, and the window is small by default. Don’t change the size of that window. Be fast in making your mouth talk in the most smarter way you can achieve. Quickly think the things to say, the examples to pick and the “do you still remembers” to put in. After that think of how best to say them.

In the broken phone situation above, your partner did what was bad. You responded badly. Your partner then responded worst. If you allow it to keep going that way worst can make a nemesis.

Quickly getting to talk is not wrong, losing what to talk is. In his book Blink : The Power of Thinking Without Thinking  Gladwell argued, they are times when haste don’t make waste.

  1. We sometimes build a confrontational relationship to prove who is the boss. It’s wrong.

When none between the two is up to suggesting but charging things. A simple word can result into another which only turns into another. It’s all about proving who is the boss.

When one fails to win s/he waits for another cycle to start and make sure that s/he will be on top of the game when the climax hits in. It is hard to avoid toxic words in such a setup. Before you make it to your partner expressing your wish to end confrontational conservation and actions reverse first out of them.

  1. Find your way out not your way in.

That time you see yourself as already tension and as already causing one is key. Pull out when you think that you are marching into that territory. You are for each other, so let each other be for you. Normally is satisfies to be in the right side or to prove that your on the right. But when you are in love, you must be a loser for the sake of your winning relationship.

  1. Know your biggest source of conflict and discuss it.

Discuss it fearlessly alone or with a mediator involved. Just knowing that when things go this way, this is how fast I may need to go helps. Also have the courage to have yourself not your partner the causation of the conflict.

  1. Don’t revenge, solve.

This is a smarter people approach and we are all smart people. Smarter people don’t seek revenge, they seek a way forward. Smarter people see a crisis as an inspiration. To them vengeance doesn’t quite get to recover what’s lost. They recover what’s lost by creating new things, new bigger things.

  1. Talk when you are in good shape

Wait for your cooling down. Be in the best version of the plain you before you can talk when you need to talk or even settle things out. Healing what’s wounded takes sympathy. Sympathy is welcome to the best version of you than the bad version of you.

I believe a storm can not solve anything by remaining a storm. It must calm down into clear skies to be something that can mean repair than harm. Of course, beer is not a behaviour but you don’t wait for the time you are drunk. You can’t talk about it just when you are in anger about it.

  1. Know if it can make any difference to talk about it.

May be it is a reading room. Your partner walks in and talk while you are concentrating. His/her stay is just for a minute. Does rebuking him/her make any difference? 

We are ready to talk even when it is not necessary and it is not good. There are expectations when they are not met, we are not somewhere we are in love and tolerating the missed expectations is not bad.

  1. Find ways to communicate your expectations.

May be your wish is to find the both of you home before 7pm and you know that’s possible. Communicating an expectation (the wish) is “I am passing through your workplace and I will fetch you home”. To communicate is not to do it the other way round. Because it is you finding ways to have your partner home at 7, you can always try another route as each day demands until your partner understands.

Sometimes it takes your transparency to communicate an expectation. In most of the time it takes just communicating an expectation and never breaking what you expect from your partner.

  1. Don’t hate yourself or feel hated

Because you can drown anyone into that hate and end reaping a magnified suffering. Probably a person in peace with himself or herself is a good source of words that sparkles.

Don’t look into yourself and see terror you can’t freeze, darkness and failure of the past and rejection.

The magic is in the morning: How to be productive with your time?

magic_in_the_mornings_time_management

We may think that the morning is the start of the day. But most mornings are the peak of any day’s productive activity. If you don’t wake up at the peak, you are only creating a downfall. It’s all about time.

1. Don’t begin by with the worst things in the morning, unless they are not the worst

You don’t wake up and start watching a movie or playing video games on a normal day unless you are paid that way, or made better that way. Take a bath, read a book or focus on your work just as the day starts.

Then if you have a job or bigger things to attend to you have bigger things to attend to. Don’t fail your day from its start.

2. Rest is luxury. Cut it short because you can afford it at serious cost

I’ve seen lizards trading it with their lives, enjoying basking the sun on rock surfaces that can get very hot, and dying out of such heat as the sun approaches midday.

Where I come from they say work is morning [sic]. So, some can get to an extend of filling their tummies at midday after hours of serious work. The idea is to push something before your mind changes about it and before you can mix with some people who can influence you off your tracks. You wake up alone or with the very few, then more and more people fill your day. Again, when you are on your own or with the few.

I also had a friend from a culture that believes that a human is only born again each time he gets up, and male or female erection happening in the morning without arousal (when it happens, especially to the young boys) was thought of as being rebirth. This may not be so, according to you, but science thinks you’re much better in the morning, efficiency-wise. And construction companies may love to have their manual force working from around 06:00hrs.

3. The count of ten: Waking up against hesitation

I love it. When I am awake but resisting to be really awake, stuck in the sheets, or when I am about to resist an alarm. I count to ten quickly, cleanly. Only to find myself standing aside the bed at seven. Amazing.

I don’t want to betray this strategy, so I keep it working.

You can find ways to break out of procrastination. Don’t betray them. Because they can rescue a moment from being lost in your life.

4. Move your day from not then, from not that morning, but yesterday

Because the morning is already the peak. Let yesterday be its starting point. Planning ahead is always great.

Means to get out of each crisis are like water in the river. They don’t get into their sea of crises without having originated from the source on some day or days before.

5. Don’t be a beigginer at managing your morning time everymorning.

You don need to be knowing what you wanna do way before you do it except when what you wanna do comes in as an emergency. You plan it, right was before. In the passage above we said you move your days from yesterday but you can also have your yesterday seven days back or a year back moving just one morning and one day you’re in today.

I’ve found myself throwing a different calendar at myself so that when it’s July I know what to do most. I rest in July. September is my intellectual month, I read as much as I can and connect myself with the greater minds.

6. If you care for yourself shorten the time you care yourself (or attend others) in the morning but fail to shorten the quality.

This quite explains itself. And I quickly taught myself that.

If you cook for yourself, make up, dress, love yourself and others, find the means to shorten the time you take at that. Because that care is not productivity itself as it is a prerequisite to productivity.

You may resist it but we are now serious consumers. The only thing we can do about our being consumers is to buy things that can help us achieve big, and here the message is, buy stuff that can help you to shorten the time you take care of yourself. When it took us, humans, six minutes to prepare ourselves a cup of coffee, it was taking us six hours or a quarter of a day on preparing sixty cups of coffee separately. The espresso machine was our answer.

Your duty is to know how much time a certain activity can rob in your life per month or per year if you want to regain your time. Regaining your time is not denying the coffee you prepare yourself some coffee but giving yourself a machine to do so but also not forgetting that the biggest machine is you and you can only become more and more efficient.

Understand it. Fight according to your understanding of the situation

Disclaimer: The purpose of this article is to motivate. Not to enhance a political view or agenda, if any.

How to fight a situation? Motivating are the deeds of the Atatürk

In 1917-1918 on the Caucasus front, Atatürk again distinguished himself in leading troops into battle, becoming a national hero. Through careful study of an enemy strategy, he was unusually successful in anticipating what the other side might do. In a crunch, if his superiors asked him to move in ways not keeping with his analysis, he would disobey orders so he could defeat the enemy. His intensity and determination helped inspire his troops, who were willing to engage in pitched battles even when facing almost certain death, sometimes without adequate ammunition or supplies.

~Ezra F. Vogel, “Nation Builders: Mustafa Kermal Atatürk, Lee Kuan, Deng Xiaoping & Park Chung Hee,” in eds. Byung-Kook Kim & Ezra F. Vogel The Park Chung Hee Era, eds. , Harvard University Press, Massachusetts, 2011, p.523.

You and the situation…

The moment you face each other war is declared. Your strategy comes first. The situation throws its own.

To win, now, you need to forget that you have a strategy. But learn the strategy the situation is possessing in its intention to win over you. You then make a version 2.0, a strategy based on what you’re learning from the situation.

You don’t win after exaggerating the situation and considering it too advanced to your capabilities. You think like someone who more than desperately wants to win. You draft your plans and goals exaggerating roles each piece in your stocks of ammunition and capabilities are to tackle. You fight through the best means you can. The intention is to not avoid a setting whereby your ammunition and capabilities are playing exaggerated roles. It is also failing not to win in the final end. Capable is not what you are. Capable is what you can become after trying hard.

Guns are guns. Guns are not war. Idle guns, if they are to be the best, cannot win the war. A situation is a situation. You are you. Don’t be idle. You can win without being the best. You can win by acting your best both in reality and imagination.

Buy your freedom

Buy it where impossible to get it. Because a winning general is one who is free to have his best appropriate strategy–also a strategy of the moment, driven from what’s understood at that moment–work. The Nazi generals in the Soviet Union can answer us better on this because they couldn’t have that freedom to command as they wished, to push retreat where it was necessary.

Your efficiency is not what you can do. It is what you can afford to do when the situation calls. It is in what you can manage to understand and utilise that understanding. Affording to do, is not affording to buy, heroes who made it from the most gloomy background understood that.

To avoid understanding a situation but with no powers to fight it as you understand it personal freedom is what you must have. Personal freedom is being answerable to none when the situation require it. It is obeying yourself

Obey is defined halfway

To comply with the wishes, instructions or commands of~Random House Webster’s Dictionary

To act in conformity with~American Heritage Thesaurus

To comply with wishes , instructions or commands of… …of what? Discipline is obeying as they say. Where obey was defined a room was left to let a better definition of what’s discipline.

Discipline is doing the right at the right time and the right things the wrong way. In order for that discipline to be at your exposal, you need freedom. Personal freedom so to speak. That form of discipline allows you to make a better strategy after understanding the situation.

Buying your freedom

How to prevent a situation whereby you don’t start, or where by you start without tackling the situation the way you understand it?

You need to be conscious, first. Know deep down where the freedom relative to your success (FRTYS) is lacking, believe that you don’t have it and find means to end up having it. FRTYS is not greater freedom per se, and you can manoeuvre to have it.

Mustafa Kemal ceased to follow orders. His freedom was minimal so he had no choice but to utilise it by winning over the situation not losing. It was only he who knew that his understanding of the situation, then a fighting strategy, made sense before getting into the battle. He got into the battle free to be him, his strategy and his senses.

I am poor. I need to walk out of poverty. That was the situation. Avoid the salary. Drop out of college in the final semester. Create wealth. That was my strategy.

Labour is cheap in my country, Zimbabwe. The rate of the unemployed is high and estimates range between 5% by Zimstat and 90-95% by the likes of Forbes and ZCTU. I have known a salary in Zimbabwe better growing up in a family that was salaried and grandson to a government schoolteacher. A nickname was thrown at me by the bullies from my first year at a secondary school up to my last/fourth to explain that I was poor (it’s a popular name so I won’t throw it here but, as I now love it, it’s soon to be a trademark).

Real wealth is not salary. I reasoned. I was poor while my parents were salaries. By dropping out of college I freed myself from the salary by losing the top certificate. Now I am working towards building real wealth and be there to industrialise my nation. I understand to be employed you need to employ first. There is no low unemployment rate without a higher employer rate.

While others argued otherwise I reasoned that my village and my country is poor. This is an understanding.

Money is not a place (I need not to emigrate or leave my my rural home). Homeless people are even there in New York. This is an understanding.

Wealth is created. Wealth creation is art. Start low and find means to grow and don’t forget that money is now a communicated thing in a world that is swiftly turning into a single village like the one you grew up in. That was the strategy, a version 2.0 that came after my dropping out of college.

A friend asked: How to be a significant woman now that I am learned but ours is an unequal society? Marry a bit late. That was my answer.

Attending the university she realised it’s only fifty-fifty in the lecture room but female lecturers were less than five in the whole campus.

She had her self-do aspirations. The culture said that she must wait for the providers to provide. In the rural space where we grew up, a girl child must wait to be married first to get possess anything including a house. After marriage, she must submit. What about few others who think they must be different.

Time-wasting was getting into the streets and protest and hope to be heard. And then walk straight into her aspirations after the impossible victory in the street.

We were poor. That was our start. To be able to do what you want to do as a strategy to win over your situation without restrictions was all we witnessed multiplying. Studying the culture we grew up in (which we didn’t want to change) my recommendation was not bad. Marriage at twenty-eight or higher not at twenty-one or lower. Marriage after building something tangible, perhaps in the town was better.

My friend is doing great. She said that she is happy that she didn’t sell her poverty through a marriage. And she will enter marriage through her terms so that when love ends she can have the privilege to pull out of it without fear of losing a provider. She transformed. Started seeing through the home education that groomed her with an intention to make an ideal submitting woman and the culture with another eye. Where things are not straight she managed to see that things are not straight. She had to wage her freedom transform into a woman different to one who is usually groomed, to unusually get her winning strategy ‘walking out of poverty’ after understanding her situation better.

Freedom is freedom. But freedom relevant to her success story required her, among other things, to be free to travel, to be answerable to herself while laying the foundation and the walls. She moved on to build before allowing a life partner.

How to stop an addiction

addiction

Because your life is full of choices you chose and decide but some of your choices may end up as habits in the near future, things you are addicted to. Habits, then addictions can follow the trait of the choice which they came through, and what you think about them― good or bad. If one of the choices you made is an now an addiction so bad to you and you want to quit this is, although not all of it, how to stop.

1. Stop defending or justifying your addiction, don’t hesitate to let loose, just stop!

Remember something is bad when you yourself consider it as bad. It sometimes happens that you know you are stuck into something ‘bad’ that you are not ready to let it go, but sometimes you have a feeling each time you exercise it that it must go.

An aspirin addict did amazing work. He asked someone to lock the door leading to an en-suite from the outside, him on the inside together with what was enough for his tummy in the next two months. Such is a rare breed of commitment, and the timing as well. He blew up two months of his once-in-five-years leave to let go of a pill high in caffeine.

2. Try to avoid the means that increased your in doing what you are addicted to, reduce the probability of getting exposed to such.

Is it gambling or betting that is your addiction to fight, and you think gambling is bad for you? Shutting contacts with those who make you gamble and being absent to such places that you are likely to do so is, although a weaker solution, a good choice.

If it’s avoiding adult content and the outcomes to come out of such, and you think it’s all good for you to avoid it, then keep potential places, where you do it, closer to likely preying eyes. Keep your door open, and try to feel that everyone is closely watching you. And go on to reduce the time of your stay in such places.

3. Try not to be a lone ranger.

Fighting addiction requires you to kick out of your life all people who are friendly to that addiction. Only after that, you can try to have some more friends to revel your weekends with, your good times with. People friendly to what you want to be without the addiction, and to you as well as a host to that addiction.

4. Find an advisor

This is essential. You need a second layer of people who can throw some good words to you and help you through it. People who can give you the right package of dos and don’ts specific to each addiction. The greatest, if not only, input, after all, is from you. You don’t change anything if you don’t put anything on ending a habit that you are a host to.

5. Immerse yourself into the do’s and don’ts and do what you must or don’t do what you must not.

Do exploit a chance when it comes, like severe illness when you are a smoker, and allow yourself to employ all mechanisms there can be to have yourself stop.

Digital detoxification: When I dropped out of college, someone posted on my timeline on Facebook that he was not welcoming the news of my departure. This so happened while I was trying to conceal my dropping out. And, so, to prevent this from happening in the future I deleted my Facebook account only to return back two years later intending to only advertise through it. A WhatsApp account in my name will never be active.

Don’t admire those who are better-off addicted. Don’t admire your wins possible through the addiction.

Do learn to pour more of your love on something like a pet in your backyard. Don’t think and believe that it’s too late.

Do, address it by attacking a hobby, or something that is not an addiction itself, but the addiction’s greatest accessory and enhancer. You can first let go of the alcohol, if you happen to take many cigarettes when drunk, and take them without much control. After dealing with beer and cigars, you can now get back to that sweating bottle in the chiller and soak your throat.

Don’t forget each day about your struggle. Don’t sleep. Be consistent. And…

6. Record your progress.

Keep your progress in a secret diary, noting the days you have managed to do well without and some of the changes/challenges you have faced. If you are now doing your smoking three times a day next month’s progress should be two.

Keep everything in your diary you can read over and over. It helps to keeps yourself much concerned about your problem. Rage, of intense desire to halt it, keeps flowing in your veins.

7. Keep yourself busy. Exhaust yourself through new hobbies. Be happy and satisfied.

Giving yourself some time to sweat helps in fighting one of the things that drive us into some behaviours, stress. Buying your happiness through any other means other than the substance is the cure. Forget to think about making yourself better in any other aspects of life. Be satisfied.

A busy day makes it impossible to squeeze some activities on its schedule. Try to make yourself so busy to chase your addiction away. If it is possible create a list of alternate goals to address when your daily goals are done.