how to

How to avoid toxic words and win a tension-free relationship

I have been with avoiding toxic words before they create tension for months before August 2021. Then I tuned in to the radio on the 18th of August 2021. There a presenter gave a situation and and question for listeners to answer. Your partner breaks your phone when it’s needed the most; when the biggest deal is about to happen through it. You are in any public space filled with professionals. You shout at him/her.

One stranger who is to your partner is of an opposite sex steps in and gives straight cash and your partner takes it. The stranger says clean words before departure and toss a business card to your partner: “In case it’s not enough I can help.”

All this appear as if the stranger has just said to your partner buy this noisemaker the lost toy. What can be your response?

  1. When things go wrong think first before you may correct them.

Between when things go wrong and when you intervene is usually a small window, and the window is small by default. Don’t change the size of that window. Be fast in making your mouth talk in the most smarter way you can achieve. Quickly think the things to say, the examples to pick and the “do you still remembers” to put in. After that think of how best to say them.

In the broken phone situation above, your partner did what was bad. You responded badly. Your partner then responded worst. If you allow it to keep going that way worst can make a nemesis.

Quickly getting to talk is not wrong, losing what to talk is. In his book Blink : The Power of Thinking Without Thinking  Gladwell argued, they are times when haste don’t make waste.

  1. We sometimes build a confrontational relationship to prove who is the boss. It’s wrong.

When none between the two is up to suggesting but charging things. A simple word can result into another which only turns into another. It’s all about proving who is the boss.

When one fails to win s/he waits for another cycle to start and make sure that s/he will be on top of the game when the climax hits in. It is hard to avoid toxic words in such a setup. Before you make it to your partner expressing your wish to end confrontational conservation and actions reverse first out of them.

  1. Find your way out not your way in.

That time you see yourself as already tension and as already causing one is key. Pull out when you think that you are marching into that territory. You are for each other, so let each other be for you. Normally is satisfies to be in the right side or to prove that your on the right. But when you are in love, you must be a loser for the sake of your winning relationship.

  1. Know your biggest source of conflict and discuss it.

Discuss it fearlessly alone or with a mediator involved. Just knowing that when things go this way, this is how fast I may need to go helps. Also have the courage to have yourself not your partner the causation of the conflict.

  1. Don’t revenge, solve.

This is a smarter people approach and we are all smart people. Smarter people don’t seek revenge, they seek a way forward. Smarter people see a crisis as an inspiration. To them vengeance doesn’t quite get to recover what’s lost. They recover what’s lost by creating new things, new bigger things.

  1. Talk when you are in good shape

Wait for your cooling down. Be in the best version of the plain you before you can talk when you need to talk or even settle things out. Healing what’s wounded takes sympathy. Sympathy is welcome to the best version of you than the bad version of you.

I believe a storm can not solve anything by remaining a storm. It must calm down into clear skies to be something that can mean repair than harm. Of course, beer is not a behaviour but you don’t wait for the time you are drunk. You can’t talk about it just when you are in anger about it.

  1. Know if it can make any difference to talk about it.

May be it is a reading room. Your partner walks in and talk while you are concentrating. His/her stay is just for a minute. Does rebuking him/her make any difference? 

We are ready to talk even when it is not necessary and it is not good. There are expectations when they are not met, we are not somewhere we are in love and tolerating the missed expectations is not bad.

  1. Find ways to communicate your expectations.

May be your wish is to find the both of you home before 7pm and you know that’s possible. Communicating an expectation (the wish) is “I am passing through your workplace and I will fetch you home”. To communicate is not to do it the other way round. Because it is you finding ways to have your partner home at 7, you can always try another route as each day demands until your partner understands.

Sometimes it takes your transparency to communicate an expectation. In most of the time it takes just communicating an expectation and never breaking what you expect from your partner.

  1. Don’t hate yourself or feel hated

Because you can drown anyone into that hate and end reaping a magnified suffering. Probably a person in peace with himself or herself is a good source of words that sparkles.

Don’t look into yourself and see terror you can’t freeze, darkness and failure of the past and rejection.

Adapting to not being understood by those you depend on.

Adapting to not being understood *Canva

 Adapting to not being understood by those you depend on.

Being misunderstood by those you have not a choice but to depend on in making your story of life can put you on the verge of extinction. Adapting can have you change that and reverse your extinction. The seeing minds kind of adapting isn’t fighting for what you want, it’s influencing people to get what you want from them or finding means to be without what you want from them.

Extract help.

If you want spiritual or financial help putting you under the most spiritually or financially successful won’t change much. You need to extract help. So that when you are given what’s meant for “this” you turn it into another direction “that”. Take things the way they are never intended to be taken to make the most positive means. If pocket money and or donated money and not much in someone’s hands stays so it will never make a greater impact than when it is taken by the beholder as “breakthrough money”.

“You have been raised badly,” said my uncle over and over. When I allowed myself to take his words as half-true instead of being offended by them, I changed myself in many aspects for the good. Every helper is with his/her own ways of helping or giving and such ways are good if you don’t take them as conditions. Extract the help.

I would later write:

The younger knows the senior is lost but he cannot revolt, because revolting is not the right way to carve up his future. The younger must play, learn so, and proceed to carve up a future favourable to him. A future that is a result of the senior’s input and his learning, and a result of him refining the senior’s input. ~SubjectMe 05Nov2020.

You should:

Never live in anyone else’s expectations. The people you depend on and your progenitors have made you. [But] they have not made what you will become. ~SubjectMe 07Aug2021.

Don’t correct them. Correct your future.

Don’t waste your time correcting the past, correct the future. You cannot change them admit that. Focus on what you’ll become not on what they’ve managed to become. To focus is to fail to stay out of yourself and, therefore, discover or rediscover yourself, not them.

The seeing minds approach encourages you to discover things not just to see them. And it’s possible to discover ways to go about it when you are the misunderstood and adapt to not being understood.

Do act. Talk zero and prove that you deserve to be understood and be given help.

Actions! Right actions can prove you right. Go into extremes in proving yourself right. It takes a lot and it doesn’t ruin you.

Maybe it’s your parents misunderstanding you and you need their help. Some adapting to not being understood is necessary. When you keep finding means to and growing when conditions are not allowing it you are only doing yourself a big favour. You are like that cactus tree (I’ve heard that in Australia cactus is an adjective and they use it to explain disorder).

Understand them.

Know what they like and what they don’t. The art of winning a war is having the best knowledge about all the things involved, including what you are fighting for, through and with.

Know what they are and what they are not and build your proper ways of dealing with them like a hostage who wants life. You can always know what to do to win their understanding and know the costs involved in winning their understanding.

Walk alone.

You stay flat about your plans. It works if the depth of their misunderstanding on what you want to become is immense. You maybe going against what is a culture but trying to come up with great achievements in life. What you can do when you pick this one is your best approach is to use it in conjunction with the extracting help approach.

The Atatürk approach.

Mustafa Kemal made an “alliance” with religious groups to have that alliance work for time he expected it to then move on to announce secularism instead of allowing religion to be the cornerstone of Turkish politics. Needless to say that he was a general, then a statesman who presided over Turkey from the post-World War settlements to 1939 and he abolished the caliph.

That approach where you stand a good sheep then change into what may be a wolf after you are enhanced by their support may be good for you as it may be selfish. Your big thing is to stay flat about your next move, because when you announce your next move before you make someone or something out of their help they surely take you down.

Tell them what they wanna hear, although what they may wanna hear may not be basically the truth.

“Are you still at the college?”

Yes!!!

But I had dropped out of college to silence the possibility of being lured into what I had thought to be a trap, the salary, then find no other means to go through it but to work towards my income through myself and finally get to believe in real bigger things in life. Keeping that lie on worked, although it’s not what I can encourage.

To them dropping out of college when you are the village’s fifth person to reach the university is a sin. But to me it was necessary. I committed the sin then kept it hidden just to look as a pure person and be what they can be willing to help.

Detach yourself from places to quickly adapt.

Maybe in your being misunderstood, you are being taken to places you don’t like, into fields of knowledge that are not necessary for you, into any terrain, physical or metaphorical, that are meaningless to you. Don’t begin by “I’m doomed!!” Begin by “What to do?” and “How to do it?”

Carpentry as an industry meant a lot in my life when I started by asking myself questions than telling myself something. It is where  I started to dream about building a big fish farming and processing industry. But I, at first, was detesting to with my uncle who is a carpenter.

Cooperate with the like others. You can find clues for your breakthrough.

By “like others” I mean people with varying knowledge and experience. If what you intend to make is all about resources, you can combine and make something bigger. Much of the things on this planet fail because they are done in competition throughout.

“Ok, Disney poured in $216 million on a movie, Lion King 2019,” I said.

“That can be enough to buy a capable cargo plane,” a friend next door and an aspiring journalist said.

“Do we need stunt schools to match the western industry one day?”

“No the West starting from around 2018, 2019 is sort of exporting a big share of its industry to Africa. And Netflix…”

Such a conversation is more enlightening to a person whose wish is to seriously end up in business and he cannot get it from a friend next door who talks about football on all occasions. (We talk about football a lot in Africa, to such an extent that a farmer may know all the transfers happening in a decade in European football instead of what a tonne of soybeans can sell for).

What is patience? This is how to kill confidence and take charge of your success story.

What is patience

Confidence seeks dominance. Persistence may be your will. Patience is bought.

To be persistent is to keep coming back. Patience gets you to be attending no matter what and it seems to be the opposite of confidence to me. Patience is when the time lost in trying to achieve something is not even regretted. Because it’s you at it in your very meek sense. You let the situation treat you badly for what you wanna achieve. While patience seeks a winning end and doesn’t care when and how badly the end can come, confidence seeks dominance. Confidence is about shortening the game.

A Merriam-Webster Collegiate Thesaurus definition “the power or capacity to endure without complaint something difficult or disagreeable” nailed it. Patience is the biggest power you may need to achieve something. Through patience, you can only have the privilege to like the unlikeable, which is ultimately a thing to set you apart. Through patience, you’re in the capacity to endure.

Related: Discipline is doing the right things at the right time, good things the wrong way

In a Christian setting, endurance is taken as a dose to persecution. Persecutuion is an enemy to any existing religion yet enduring it strengthens the persecuted. The reward ahead, therefore the purpose behind being in something else is the only thing that buys patience.

The fisherman’s desire to catch characterises his patience.

The fisherman’s desire to catch characterises his patience, and his patience in wating charectrises his desire to catch.

~SubjectMe (Personal Diary) 2020, Oct

He doesn’t desire to cath without being patient. When he doesire he is filled with that feeling of wanting to (catch). In fact, his point of satisfaction is written in his mind before his first toss of the bait into the waters. He must work towards it to achieve it. He doesn’t have it. He must find the right means to have it. Patience becomes one of the means a fisherman utilises to catch.

When there is less fish in the river. The river requires more patience from the fisherman.

A river flowing just close to my rural home is abused by the fisherman who use blasting cables then mosquito net to catch fish. Apparently these two models of fish robs from the river the summer broodstock that is supposed to make the next generation of fish species in the river, and cables kills all int the reach of its radius of death by causing the lung to burst. More to these unethical fishing practises are the population increase in the area that was also increased by immigrants and refugees.

The narration short. The orthodoxy fisherman has been plumating because the river is no longer rewarding and no one wishes to save it.

“It now takes sixty times more wait that it used to take in the old days to finally be able to catch something”, one fisherman told me as I inquired about the river in the pre-mid-1990s.

When your dream is big and its outcome a thing for the very few, you must be patient. Patience required obviously is more that before.

Patience at work and confidence at work: Hopeful losers and confident losers.

A hopeful loser is powered by patience. When she loses she can argue “my chance is not now”. For delayed is not taken away.There is nothing made yet, there is no dream yet true but her main purpose is a reward ahead.

When you are a hopeful loser you don’t doubt your tomorrow, your next move and your finishing line. Eachb time you lose you find more means out of such a lose to eventually get you to a win.

Patience at work. Confidence at work. Hopeful losers and confident losers.

A confident loser can do this: Give up, go on to do this and give up again while entirely confident. Sometimes confidence can’t build when it fails to make a win in the first attmpt. Confidence is blind.

It is the last thing to get one to be emotionally attached to what he’s doing.

How to stop an addiction

addiction

Because your life is full of choices you chose and decide but some of your choices may end up as habits in the near future, things you are addicted to. Habits, then addictions can follow the trait of the choice which they came through, and what you think about them― good or bad. If one of the choices you made is an now an addiction so bad to you and you want to quit this is, although not all of it, how to stop.

1. Stop defending or justifying your addiction, don’t hesitate to let loose, just stop!

Remember something is bad when you yourself consider it as bad. It sometimes happens that you know you are stuck into something ‘bad’ that you are not ready to let it go, but sometimes you have a feeling each time you exercise it that it must go.

An aspirin addict did amazing work. He asked someone to lock the door leading to an en-suite from the outside, him on the inside together with what was enough for his tummy in the next two months. Such is a rare breed of commitment, and the timing as well. He blew up two months of his once-in-five-years leave to let go of a pill high in caffeine.

2. Try to avoid the means that increased your in doing what you are addicted to, reduce the probability of getting exposed to such.

Is it gambling or betting that is your addiction to fight, and you think gambling is bad for you? Shutting contacts with those who make you gamble and being absent to such places that you are likely to do so is, although a weaker solution, a good choice.

If it’s avoiding adult content and the outcomes to come out of such, and you think it’s all good for you to avoid it, then keep potential places, where you do it, closer to likely preying eyes. Keep your door open, and try to feel that everyone is closely watching you. And go on to reduce the time of your stay in such places.

3. Try not to be a lone ranger.

Fighting addiction requires you to kick out of your life all people who are friendly to that addiction. Only after that, you can try to have some more friends to revel your weekends with, your good times with. People friendly to what you want to be without the addiction, and to you as well as a host to that addiction.

4. Find an advisor

This is essential. You need a second layer of people who can throw some good words to you and help you through it. People who can give you the right package of dos and don’ts specific to each addiction. The greatest, if not only, input, after all, is from you. You don’t change anything if you don’t put anything on ending a habit that you are a host to.

5. Immerse yourself into the do’s and don’ts and do what you must or don’t do what you must not.

Do exploit a chance when it comes, like severe illness when you are a smoker, and allow yourself to employ all mechanisms there can be to have yourself stop.

Digital detoxification: When I dropped out of college, someone posted on my timeline on Facebook that he was not welcoming the news of my departure. This so happened while I was trying to conceal my dropping out. And, so, to prevent this from happening in the future I deleted my Facebook account only to return back two years later intending to only advertise through it. A WhatsApp account in my name will never be active.

Don’t admire those who are better-off addicted. Don’t admire your wins possible through the addiction.

Do learn to pour more of your love on something like a pet in your backyard. Don’t think and believe that it’s too late.

Do, address it by attacking a hobby, or something that is not an addiction itself, but the addiction’s greatest accessory and enhancer. You can first let go of the alcohol, if you happen to take many cigarettes when drunk, and take them without much control. After dealing with beer and cigars, you can now get back to that sweating bottle in the chiller and soak your throat.

Don’t forget each day about your struggle. Don’t sleep. Be consistent. And…

6. Record your progress.

Keep your progress in a secret diary, noting the days you have managed to do well without and some of the changes/challenges you have faced. If you are now doing your smoking three times a day next month’s progress should be two.

Keep everything in your diary you can read over and over. It helps to keeps yourself much concerned about your problem. Rage, of intense desire to halt it, keeps flowing in your veins.

7. Keep yourself busy. Exhaust yourself through new hobbies. Be happy and satisfied.

Giving yourself some time to sweat helps in fighting one of the things that drive us into some behaviours, stress. Buying your happiness through any other means other than the substance is the cure. Forget to think about making yourself better in any other aspects of life. Be satisfied.

A busy day makes it impossible to squeeze some activities on its schedule. Try to make yourself so busy to chase your addiction away. If it is possible create a list of alternate goals to address when your daily goals are done.

How to get started and moving

How to get started

1.  Understand, first, the best way to get started is to just get started.

Fear of the unknown is part of that resistance pushing you back which does not only appears at the eve of the game, but when doing something new in the game; when repositioning, creating strategy shifts and risk-overcoming mechanisms. It strikes where there is nothing else to stand against it, where there is no confidence and self-belief within oneself.

Believe in yourself, just start. Keep that faith as you progress. There is a difference between a work that has been done without doubt and the one which has been done doubtingly. When venturing into something, it’s not only about getting started its about getting started powered by self-belief too. But you better have that knowledge pertaining to what you are undertaking, apply it accordingly. And you better have the best knowledge of all… the knowledge to apply knowledge.

2.   The reason for starting something is to get it done. The few you have can make it happen (if perfectly utilised).

Gather up what you need – capital, books, assets etc, but do so with effort and intense desire as you move forward. If you cant find all that you need to get started don’t let this turn you down. Just swiftly adjust yourself to a wartime budget. Remove from your savings and timetable everything that is ruining the progress of something you have envisioned and want it done.

When there was no bank to offer me a loan, which wouldn’t have ended up a loan if I had managed to secure earlier, but capital, my greatest tool to tackle my business, I allowed it to be four years of nothing but finding means to have the capital in my hands without the bank. In those four years, I earned knowledge of applying knowledge, another of tools essential to me which does not come cheap.

What is a tool? A tool is both a tool and a name. Both the tool and the name were invented by the human, for the purpose of having a noun, a word that would refer to a tool in his language, and for the purpose of having that tool to use for a particular task of many he faced. So, If you want something that may need a tool, a tool you don’t have, don’t wait but do yourself a favour. Invent your own tools.

3.   Empty everything. Focus!

Friends, parties, sports and games; as much as they entertain and makes our lives better they may ruin our time-to-focus. They occupy our weekends, they influence our decisions and change our direction. Therefore, if they are distractions or hindrances, keeping them out of the reach of our dreams as we aspire makes it better. You shall always have the time to enjoy, that is the beauty of it, but if now is some time for something else, it better be something else only at this time.

Distracting your distracting-behaviour makes it better.

Don’t even think of failure, if it comes along it is a part of your road to success. Failures are just like road humps. It will be good to take them as minor delays to your success and best to take them as something calling you into focusing.

You’re the best opportunity available to yourself and not anything else is. Look, the convenience of having yourself as a number-one opportunity available to you is you are always there for yourself even after anything negative like being fired.

4.   Have a goal to be addressed everyday and anytime suitable.

Goals just like in a story where a hero may have several missions to accomplish can never all be accomplished, because if they do they make a bad story; a story that ends in the thirteenth minute such that we have our hero Liam Neeson an Honest Thief surrendering millions of cash he stole and the two assigned FBI agents hands it over as evidence instead of what they actually did in the plot, which is attempting to steal it and have their biggest payday their government never afforded for them, pushing the story further. The thing is, you will fail a lot to have a classic story at the end of it. Many things will try to stop you, including people you trust. But the worst stopping that you must be afraid of is one caused by you.

Recommended: Why do we fail or fall?

As you wake up in the morning make up a goal to get it addressed by the end of the day. Let their failure be nothing to stop you from fighting for your main goal.

Pin on the wall three-week goals, five-month goals, yearly goals and five-year goals. Long term goals are your main goals or your main mission. Don’t overload yourself with these main goals. Have some means to record bigger things in your life for future reference.

5.   Habit is not something within one’s system by birth: Create it!

Being accustomed to what you are fighting for is good. Once you dive in, allow yourself to be completely immersed. When you are immersed let your heartbeat for what you are immersed in. Don’t stop until you come out right, until you are capable of breathing under it, until you are a different breed of survivors. Habits are created in a slow build-up. Build habits that are more than necessary in what you intend to come up with.

Bring formality to your habits. What’s being said here is, it’s building a good habit to have more of your reading time increasing monthly you are a reader. But formality in such a habit is reading while seated on a chair and a reading desk/table than on your bed or the sofa.

6.   Stop procrastinating

It has been said procrastination is a waste of time. It is actually, but it was said also to be a habit of making something that was supposed or intended to get done today to be done on the morrow. Here we say, when you find yourself pushing things that are supposed to be today’s do to the morrow then you must know that there is something in you that keeps fooling one ‘you’re advancing’ whilst he is stagnant.

The future is not a place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths to it are not found but made. That was a political theorist J.H. Schaar bringing these words to us, and I love the way he said it. You don’t travel to the future, you, right there, create it and you can only have it if you crate it. And if you need it urgently, why not creating something now.

Don’t do something because it makes you feel contented about your progress as you go through it, do it because it’s worth it. Aim to develop further.