I have been with avoiding toxic words before they create tension for months before August 2021. Then I tuned in to the radio on the 18th of August 2021. There a presenter gave a situation and and question for listeners to answer. Your partner breaks your phone when it’s needed the most; when the biggest deal is about to happen through it. You are in any public space filled with professionals. You shout at him/her.
One stranger who is to your partner is of an opposite sex steps in and gives straight cash and your partner takes it. The stranger says clean words before departure and toss a business card to your partner: “In case it’s not enough I can help.”
All this appear as if the stranger has just said to your partner buy this noisemaker the lost toy. What can be your response?
- When things go wrong think first before you may correct them.
Between when things go wrong and when you intervene is usually a small window, and the window is small by default. Don’t change the size of that window. Be fast in making your mouth talk in the most smarter way you can achieve. Quickly think the things to say, the examples to pick and the “do you still remembers” to put in. After that think of how best to say them.
In the broken phone situation above, your partner did what was bad. You responded badly. Your partner then responded worst. If you allow it to keep going that way worst can make a nemesis.
Quickly getting to talk is not wrong, losing what to talk is. In his book Blink : The Power of Thinking Without Thinking Gladwell argued, they are times when haste don’t make waste.
- We sometimes build a confrontational relationship to prove who is the boss. It’s wrong.
When none between the two is up to suggesting but charging things. A simple word can result into another which only turns into another. It’s all about proving who is the boss.
When one fails to win s/he waits for another cycle to start and make sure that s/he will be on top of the game when the climax hits in. It is hard to avoid toxic words in such a setup. Before you make it to your partner expressing your wish to end confrontational conservation and actions reverse first out of them.
- Find your way out not your way in.
That time you see yourself as already tension and as already causing one is key. Pull out when you think that you are marching into that territory. You are for each other, so let each other be for you. Normally is satisfies to be in the right side or to prove that your on the right. But when you are in love, you must be a loser for the sake of your winning relationship.
- Know your biggest source of conflict and discuss it.
Discuss it fearlessly alone or with a mediator involved. Just knowing that when things go this way, this is how fast I may need to go helps. Also have the courage to have yourself not your partner the causation of the conflict.
- Don’t revenge, solve.
This is a smarter people approach and we are all smart people. Smarter people don’t seek revenge, they seek a way forward. Smarter people see a crisis as an inspiration. To them vengeance doesn’t quite get to recover what’s lost. They recover what’s lost by creating new things, new bigger things.
- Talk when you are in good shape
Wait for your cooling down. Be in the best version of the plain you before you can talk when you need to talk or even settle things out. Healing what’s wounded takes sympathy. Sympathy is welcome to the best version of you than the bad version of you.
I believe a storm can not solve anything by remaining a storm. It must calm down into clear skies to be something that can mean repair than harm. Of course, beer is not a behaviour but you don’t wait for the time you are drunk. You can’t talk about it just when you are in anger about it.
- Know if it can make any difference to talk about it.
May be it is a reading room. Your partner walks in and talk while you are concentrating. His/her stay is just for a minute. Does rebuking him/her make any difference?
We are ready to talk even when it is not necessary and it is not good. There are expectations when they are not met, we are not somewhere we are in love and tolerating the missed expectations is not bad.
- Find ways to communicate your expectations.
May be your wish is to find the both of you home before 7pm and you know that’s possible. Communicating an expectation (the wish) is “I am passing through your workplace and I will fetch you home”. To communicate is not to do it the other way round. Because it is you finding ways to have your partner home at 7, you can always try another route as each day demands until your partner understands.
Sometimes it takes your transparency to communicate an expectation. In most of the time it takes just communicating an expectation and never breaking what you expect from your partner.
- Don’t hate yourself or feel hated
Because you can drown anyone into that hate and end reaping a magnified suffering. Probably a person in peace with himself or herself is a good source of words that sparkles.
Don’t look into yourself and see terror you can’t freeze, darkness and failure of the past and rejection.